my nightmare before christmas

"..Its already summer but sometimes I could still feel the coldness of winter.."


Im sitting in my bed. in a usual corner where I used to sit and talked to him over the phone. an unusual rush of feelings came running through my veins, juz like a thunder that just struck all the sanity in me.. flashbacks came running through my mind.. echoes of memories all were now turned into oblivion.. should have beens, could have beens, might have beens.. yes, were through, were done. our time has come not to be together but to fall apart.. were never really together aren't we? we've been so close yet so far from each other.. maybe this is not our time.. I remembered the korean series"princess hours". there it was said that every human being has its own cycle.. 25 million years to be exact.. and if 25 million years has passed and if 2 people did not have the chance to be together before, they'll surely cross paths again after 25 million years...

Im not telling this bcoz Im hoping to still cross paths with you bcoz Im certain that we would still meet.in that destined place and time.. although maybe after 25 million years.. but for now we just have to go seperate ways bcoz it has to be that way.. I will never come back to you anymore..I will go to a different place now, a world without you.. technically speaking, you never really became part of it, we never shared a moment together, so it was all just like a part of my sweet dreams.. and why bcoz u've hurt me.. yes.. Im so stupid for letting you hurt me.. for letting my tears flow juz bcoz of you..I know you dont deserve me. niether do I deserve someone like you.. I felt so foolish, so stupid to let myself fall for you... yes I fell in love with a stranger... but I did'nt regret it at all.. bcoz I also felt your love for me, how you care for me.. how you accepted me as I am..or is it just all in my thoughts..? remember the time when were still together? I almost lost myself bcoz there even came a time when I wanted to look good, not for myself, not for anybody else but for you.. for your eyes only..so that when we would meet I would be that most beautiful girl you would ever meet..coz I wanted to be perfect just for you.. see what a fool i've been? ugh! i know.. i cant be perfect, i will never be perfect, what a stupid girl.. yes, im your bad girl remember? i even promised you myslf.. at one point you became that naughty lil boy who's begging to have that lollipop. and that lollipop was me.. yes, i wasnt kidding when i finally told you that you will get that lollipop when the right moment comes. yes, but from that moment i reserved myself for you.. but i guess you'll never get that lollipop anymore..



i want to keep it and give myself to someone who really deserves me.. i thought it was you.. i wanted to give it it you.. but not in this way..im sorry.. now im moving on.. im sure you too.. i think its even much easier for you to move on..but yes, right in this moment, i think i've already moved on.. like nothing ever happened before.. although im still missing you.. oh damn.. yes, i really do miss you.. everything..but i know i'll get over this and i'll not miss you anymore..


im happy were still friends, bcoz i cant give you back my heart anymore. thanks for everything that you taught me.. for accepting me.. for loving me.. i will never forget you..
i promise i would still smile everytime i remember you.. pls take care.. i'll always believe in you.. i will always be proud of you..

but for now, lets move on.. we once dream together, we even dream about each other..

but there is really a certain feeling of hurt evrytime we say goodbye..

... dreams that turn into nightmare..



.. i do apologize bcoz it took months before i finally got the courage to post this..
this was originally written 19.december,2009..

i guess this time nothing will ever change anymore..

HE HEALS ME..

I Told him my biggest secret And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love you more
And then he made me laugh And I knew it was a sign That he was a man, That I wanted in my life
And with every passing day I feel more and more of that way
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me,
he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me,
he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line, And even when I'm wrong,
he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I'm not right.
And yes he is a beautiful man, But he is also a beautiful friend
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me He heals me
The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he'll be here A season or a lifetime,
forever or a year But for the first time in my life I'm not worried about the future Because we have such a wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out, it's all right Cause he's already changed my life.
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me,
he never hurts me
He heals me He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me He heals me..........

the only exception..

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry And curse at the wind He broke his own heart And I watched As he tried to reassemble it And my momma swore that She would never let herself forget And that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love If it does not exist Maybe I know, somewhere Deep in my soul That love never lasts And we've got to find other ways To make it alone Keep a straight face And I've always lived like this Keeping a comfortable, distance And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm Content with loneliness Because none of it was ever worth the risk Well, You, are, the only exception

he once told me this song is for me..

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?