my nightmare before christmas

"..Its already summer but sometimes I could still feel the coldness of winter.."


Im sitting in my bed. in a usual corner where I used to sit and talked to him over the phone. an unusual rush of feelings came running through my veins, juz like a thunder that just struck all the sanity in me.. flashbacks came running through my mind.. echoes of memories all were now turned into oblivion.. should have beens, could have beens, might have beens.. yes, were through, were done. our time has come not to be together but to fall apart.. were never really together aren't we? we've been so close yet so far from each other.. maybe this is not our time.. I remembered the korean series"princess hours". there it was said that every human being has its own cycle.. 25 million years to be exact.. and if 25 million years has passed and if 2 people did not have the chance to be together before, they'll surely cross paths again after 25 million years...

Im not telling this bcoz Im hoping to still cross paths with you bcoz Im certain that we would still meet.in that destined place and time.. although maybe after 25 million years.. but for now we just have to go seperate ways bcoz it has to be that way.. I will never come back to you anymore..I will go to a different place now, a world without you.. technically speaking, you never really became part of it, we never shared a moment together, so it was all just like a part of my sweet dreams.. and why bcoz u've hurt me.. yes.. Im so stupid for letting you hurt me.. for letting my tears flow juz bcoz of you..I know you dont deserve me. niether do I deserve someone like you.. I felt so foolish, so stupid to let myself fall for you... yes I fell in love with a stranger... but I did'nt regret it at all.. bcoz I also felt your love for me, how you care for me.. how you accepted me as I am..or is it just all in my thoughts..? remember the time when were still together? I almost lost myself bcoz there even came a time when I wanted to look good, not for myself, not for anybody else but for you.. for your eyes only..so that when we would meet I would be that most beautiful girl you would ever meet..coz I wanted to be perfect just for you.. see what a fool i've been? ugh! i know.. i cant be perfect, i will never be perfect, what a stupid girl.. yes, im your bad girl remember? i even promised you myslf.. at one point you became that naughty lil boy who's begging to have that lollipop. and that lollipop was me.. yes, i wasnt kidding when i finally told you that you will get that lollipop when the right moment comes. yes, but from that moment i reserved myself for you.. but i guess you'll never get that lollipop anymore..



i want to keep it and give myself to someone who really deserves me.. i thought it was you.. i wanted to give it it you.. but not in this way..im sorry.. now im moving on.. im sure you too.. i think its even much easier for you to move on..but yes, right in this moment, i think i've already moved on.. like nothing ever happened before.. although im still missing you.. oh damn.. yes, i really do miss you.. everything..but i know i'll get over this and i'll not miss you anymore..


im happy were still friends, bcoz i cant give you back my heart anymore. thanks for everything that you taught me.. for accepting me.. for loving me.. i will never forget you..
i promise i would still smile everytime i remember you.. pls take care.. i'll always believe in you.. i will always be proud of you..

but for now, lets move on.. we once dream together, we even dream about each other..

but there is really a certain feeling of hurt evrytime we say goodbye..

... dreams that turn into nightmare..



.. i do apologize bcoz it took months before i finally got the courage to post this..
this was originally written 19.december,2009..

i guess this time nothing will ever change anymore..